#21 Crying

My depression must be getting worse. I can’t stop crying.

Some days I don’t seem to feel anything at all – no joy, no grief, no love, no compassion, no nothing. Other days, my emotions overwhelm me. The overwhelming emotions are confusion, sadness, and fear of the unknown.

It amazes me what can cause my tears to flow. And sometimes I don’t even know why I’m crying.

I want to feel like my old self again. That isn’t going to happen because the old self is gone. Forever. I need to accept this fact and accept A New Me. This new me has a tumor that at any time can take my hearing, or throw me off balance, or even snuff out my life if it suddenly grows.

I can’t seem to figure out how to accept this new me. Suicide is not an option. Well, then again it is. No, it isn’t. I will get on with life. With a new life. I will figure out what treatment is best and study where I can get that treatment.

Everyone says you will know a doctor and his or her treatment is the right one when you meet that doctor. So, I guess I just haven’t met the doctor who is right for me.

Maybe that ought to be my prayer at this point.

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Readers: Have you ever thought about suicide?

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Dear God,

You can lead me to the treatment and doctor who is right for me. I am trying so hard to be in charge of my life. That’s not good. I ask you to take charge and to up my trust.

I am still one of your sheep. No matter what kind of physical or emotional shape I’m in, I still belong to You. That will not change. Forgive me, but I feel like a black sheep now—or at least one with spots. Amen.

When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown… Isaiah 43:2