#15 Depression

It’s an effort to make any decision at all. How can I make a treatment decision when I can’t even figure out whether or not to take a shower, what clothes to put on, what to have for breakfast?

I can’t seem to make the effort to do the things that used to bring me joy. Call a friend? Well, which one? Read a book? Which book? Go to a movie? Well, again, which one?

I have finally realized this is depression. I can’t seem to stop crying. Every little thing sets me off: the hymns in church, the TV commercials, and conversations. They all make me cry. I didn’t know that one human being could produce so many tears. It’s a wonder I’m not dehydrated.

Why all the tears? It’s like someone died. Oh, but someone did—the old me. I’m not the same person. I look in the mirror and I’m surprised to see that I look the same (except for the bags under my eyes). With surprise, people say how good I look. It makes me wonder how they expected me to look.

It seems so strange that I can look the same on the outside when I’m not the same on the inside. Now I have this thing in my head. It has changed my mostly healthy image of myself. No kidding, health is a fragile thing. I’m a nurse, so the fragile part shouldn’t surprise me, but somehow, now that I’m a patient, it does.

*****

Our Father,

I thank you I made the decision to accept Christ. I know Christ died on the cross for me. That is the most important decision of my life. Other decisions will fall into place.

Help me, I pray, to make one decision at a time. Help me to take each day at a time, and when that is too much, to take each hour at a time. Amen. 

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8