A New Me Blog
#25 Flat Emotion
Monday, February 3, 2025 by Deb Vellines
I feel like I’m walking around in a fog. My emotions are flat. My brain waves feel like they must be flat. Someone tells me a joke and I wonder, “Why do they think it’s funny?” I used to have a sense of humor. Not now. A good friend dies and I can’t seem to feel sorrow. I almost envy the one who dies.
Even looking at a new baby, I fail to feel joy. What kind of person looks at a new baby girl and wonders what kind of sorrows she will have to face in her future? Pictures of war and killing on TV don’t bring a tear to my eye. I don’t have tears of joy or sorrow.
This seems so strange – to cry so hard some days and to feel nothing at all on other days. It’s scary to feel so flat that I don’t care what happens. It’s scary to realize I’m not in control of this tumor. Yet in one way I am. I mean I can decide to have surgery or radiation or do nothing.
Fear of the future is like standing in front of a closed door and not knowing what is on the other side of the door. So, we freeze and don’t open the door.
I had gall bladder surgery a few years ago and what should have been outpatient surgery required a four day hospital stay. I couldn’t wake up. And every time I did, I got sick. If my body couldn’t handle gall bladder surgery, how can it handle brain surgery? Maybe that’s why the gall bladder surgery happened when it did. No brain surgery for me. I don’t care what the surgeons think. Of course, they think surgery is the answer. What else would they think? That’s how they have been trained.
That brings me to radiation? But how is it possible to radiate tumor cells without causing damage to the healthy cells?
If I wait and watch (do nothing), will I spend too much time wondering if it’s growing. No matter what – surgery, radiation, or nothing – I will need MRI’s the rest of my life to check what’s happening. I need to accept that MRI’s are part of the New Me.
Accoustic neuromas are one ugly tumor – totally unpredictable as far as growth goes, as far as hearing goes, and as far as balance goes. I need to realize the future is uncertain. It always was, with or without a tumor.
I know God is, was, and will be the same. His promises do not change. He will be with me and take me by the hand and give me strength and courage to face the future. I can open the door.
*****
Dear God,
When was the last time I felt joy? I can’t remember. I want to feel joy. Amen.
I am holding you by your right hand—I, the Lord your God. And I say to you, Do not be afraid, I am here to help you. Isaiah 41:13
Previous Posts
# 77 – 21 Stress Busters
Deb Vellines
2/4/2025
# 76 Claustrophobia
Deb Vellines
2/4/2025
#75 Facial Issues
Deb Vellines
2/4/2025
#74 Phantom Sounds
Deb Vellines
2/4/2025
#73 Walk Without Falling
Deb Vellines
2/4/2025
#72 AN Awareness Week
Deb Vellines
2/4/2025
# 71 Hearing Loss
Deb Vellines
2/4/2025
#70 Understanding Changes
Deb Vellines
2/4/2025
#69 Is It Growing?
Deb Vellines
2/4/2025
#68 AN Facebook Group
Deb Vellines
2/4/2025
#67 Turn Off Anxiety
Deb Vellines
2/4/2025
#66 Decisions & Stress Busters
Deb Vellines
2/4/2025
#65 Control and Choices
Deb Vellines
2/4/2025
#64 Surgeon Questions
Deb Vellines
2/4/2025
#63 Virtual Education Event
Deb Vellines
2/4/2025
#62 Three Ways to Connect
Deb Vellines
2/4/2025
#61 Reminders
Deb Vellines
2/4/2025
#60 Grocery Shopping
Deb Vellines
2/4/2025
#59 9 Conversation Hints with Masks
Deb Vellines
2/4/2025
#58 A New Me & New Ways
Deb Vellines
2/4/2025
#57 Irritable?
Deb Vellines
2/4/2025
#56 11 Reasons to Try Chair Yoga
Deb Vellines
2/4/2025
#55 Hints for the Holiday
Deb Vellines
2/4/2025
#54 Treatment Ideas for Headaches
Deb Vellines
2/4/2025
#53 Headaches
Deb Vellines
2/4/2025
#52 Hyperacusis
Deb Vellines
2/4/2025
#51 ** 5 Ways to Prevent Falls
Deb Vellines
2/4/2025
#50 Closed Captioning (CC) at the Movies
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#49 Hearing Loss Advice
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#48 Networking8 Networking
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#47 Help Me Hear
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#46 4 YouTube Videos
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#45 Get Connected
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#44 Signia Hearing Aids
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#43 Improving Balance
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#42 Treatment of Depression
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#41 Depression
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#40 ** 7 Ways to Fight Brain Fog
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#39 ** 5 Fatigue Busters
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#38 Tinnitus
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#37 Phonak CROS Hearing Aids
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#36 Hearing Devices
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#35 Single Sided Deafness
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
# 34 Post Treatment
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#33 Treatment
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#32 A Hit Over the Head
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#31 National Symposium
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#30 Knots with Purpose
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#29 A Time to Kill
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#28 A Letter
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#27 Peace With Trust
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#26 Joy is a Choice
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#25 Flat Emotion
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#24 New Thoughts
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#23 Acceptance?
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#22 Help!
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
#21 Crying
Deb Vellines
2/3/2025
# 20 Full Plate
Deb Vellines
2/2/2025
#19 Concentration
Deb Vellines
2/2/2025
#18 Worry versus Trust
Deb Vellines
2/2/2025
#17 For Healing
Deb Vellines
2/2/2025
#16 Who’s in Control?
Deb Vellines
2/2/2025
#15 Depression
Deb Vellines
2/2/2025
# 13 Doctor (specialist)
Deb Vellines
2/2/2025
#14 Different Treatments
Deb Vellines
2/2/2025
#11 Support Group
Deb Vellines
2/2/2025
#12 Thank You
Deb Vellines
2/2/2025
Step # 10 Questions
Deb Vellines
2/2/2025
Step # 9 Bargaining
Deb Vellines
2/2/2025
Step #8 Energy
Deb Vellines
2/1/2025
Step # 7 – Reactions – of others
Deb Vellines
2/1/2025
Step #6 – Do I share my News?
Deb Vellines
2/1/2025
Step #4 – To stay calm waiting for test results
Deb Vellines
2/1/2025
Step #5 – Why?
Deb Vellines
2/1/2025
Step #3 – Courage – to make an appointment for a test.
Deb Vellines
2/1/2025
Step #2 – Wisdom – for the doctor
Deb Vellines
2/1/2025
Step #1 – Wisdom – to know when to call the doctor
Deb Vellines
2/1/2025