#26 Joy is a Choice

I want to feel like my old self again. That won’t happen because I am a new self. The old self is no more. I miss that old self and grieve for it. The old self had a simpler life. This new self has a complicated life, thinking about a disease that happens to other people, not me.

I think about possible treatments, and whether or not I will keep my hearing, and  whether or not I will keep my balance, and whether or not the tumor is growing.

New and different.

I want to feel joy. Joy is a choice. I can choose joy. My faith is being tested. I want to pass the test. This entire experience can make me stronger in my faith. I will feel closer to God than I have ever felt. That thought alone helps me feel better.

Peace will come with increased trust in God. So far the peace comes and goes even though my trust is growing. Perhaps when the peace is more permanent, the joy will happen.

Trust, peace, and joy. In that order? With joy I can fully love others and myself. Loving myself is a rare thought for me. I haven’t loved myself in a long time. God loves me. Because he loves me, I ought to love myself, with or without a tumor. I can love myself even with a tumor. Love is a choice. So is trust. So is peace. Are all feelings a choice?

If the good feelings are all a choice, it follows the ugly feelings are also a choice. I can choose to feel miserable with worry. I can choose to feel angry. I can choose to feel depressed.

I have been so focused on myself and my needs, I haven’t loved others as I should. That sounds selfish.

*****

Dear God,

Help me to know that new can be better, in a different way.

Help me to let go of the ugly feelings.

Help me to choose love, trust, peace, and even joy. Amen.

…whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything. James 1:2