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#21 Crying -

My depression must be getting worse. I can’t stop crying.

Some days I don’t seem to feel anything at all – no joy, no grief, no love, no compassion, no nothing. Other days, my emotions overwhelm me. The overwhelming emotions are confusion, sadness, and fear of the unknown.

It amazes me what can cause my tears to flow. And sometimes I don’t even know why I’m crying.

I want to feel like my old self again. That isn’t going to happen because the old self is gone. Forever. I need to accept this fact and accept A New Me. This new me has a tumor that at any time can take my hearing, or throw me off balance, or even snuff out my life if it suddenly grows.

I can’t seem to figure out how to accept this new me. Suicide is not an option. Well, then again it is. No, it isn’t. I will get on with life. With a new life. I will figure out what treatment is best and study where I can get that treatment.

Everyone says you will know a doctor and his or her treatment is the right one when you meet that doctor. So, I guess I just haven’t met the doctor who is right for me.

Maybe that ought to be my prayer at this point.


Have you ever thought about suicide?


Dear God,

You can lead me to the treatment and doctor who is right for me. I am trying so hard to be in charge of my life. That’s not good. I ask you to take charge and to up my trust.

I am still one of your sheep. No matter what kind of physical or emotional shape I’m in, I still belong to You. That will not change. Forgive me, but I feel like a black sheep now—or at least one with
spots. Amen.

When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown… Isaiah 43:2